Professor R. J. Lupin

Have you ever heard someone say, "With practice, it will get easier." Well, I'm here to tell you that this, on occasion, is a flagrant LIE. Not everything gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder.

I was talking with my dad about this, and he agrees. He passes out every time he gets a shot or too freaked out about a hospital. I had a doctor's appointment on monday, which was just a talk-to (though it was still in a hospital) and we were both panicking. It was really funny.

But anyway, he says he passes out still, after years of this happening. He says it is NOT easier, because instead he knows what is coming and so he still panics. I think, for me at least, it is the fear of what you know is coming, and what usually happens, than what is actually going to happen at the moment. The fear gets out of control, and so it becomes harder. The only solution I have is to either avoid it as much as you can (my usual solution) or, keep trying. Even if I fail several times, as long as I never completely give up, it's okay. Even if I can't do it today, I'll do it tomorrow. I know that, which helps with the fear. I take one day at a time, and I keep working at it. Some days are better than others, but the good thing about bad days is that you start over tomorrow, and it will be okay (This unfortunately means that if you have a good day, it means nothing for the next day and you have to start over again, but that's okay too.)

I heard a really cool quote from one of my anime shows, and it said, "Don't look down. If you have something you must do, just look ahead." I really liked it. It was direct and to the point.

So anyway, I met with my doctor earlier this week, and it turns out I lost four pounds. This was in a month. And no, I was not dieting, nor am I anorexic or bulemic, so I was kind of surprised. My doctor was like, "So, you lost some weight. How did that happen?" I wanted to be like, I don't know, you're the doctor, but I figure I should be nice to him since he does treat me. He also informed me that I should be on iron stuff, since my red blood cells are small, which a sign preceeding anemia. I wish, you know, the hospital could have told me this when I got my blood test results back, but no, it's not like they could figure it out. So helpful going to these people when they don't know what they're doing.

Apparently Julie Andrews is coming to do a women's health forum at my hospital in september. This is depressing, as tickets are free and I would have loved to go see her, but I'll be at school then. I'm trying to convince my mom to go instead, as that would be the coolest thing ever.

Only like 8 days until we go to STL, and then it's out to school!!!! It's all exciting.

P.S.-Ali, I'll write you in my subject when we've continued our story. **)

Vanilla Milk

I feel like this summer has been in a dream-like state. The first part of summer passed by painfully slow, but the past two months have just flown by. At first I was kind of anxious about school, but now I'm really excited to get out to Provo and start my classes and meeting new people and stuff.

Do you ever come to the end of summer and say, "what the heck did I do this summer? No job, no classes.." Well, even though I know no one in the entire state, here is a list of my accomplishments:

*I went from having taken no pills, ever, to taking...well, at least a couple a day, if not as much as I'm supposed to (for those reading, no I am not a drug addict!!!)
*I learned how to make beaded bracelets, which are actually pretty fun if kind of nerdy to do
*I survived my first colonoscopy and my first blood test (which, by the way, my dad can't do-he passes out every time he gets a shot)
*I'm not very artsy, but I finished a large portion of my scrapbook
*-this isn't really an accomplishment, but I bought a whole bunch of stuff for myself, plus a few things for my apartment, which was a lot of fun
*I started a brand new story I'm writing, which is a stand-alone story, not connected to someone else's book at all, a first for me


And...well, that's not a great list, but it's something. I'm planning to accomplish a lot more at school-I say plan, b/c most likely I'm not going to want to study all the time at school, I'm going to want to drink hot chocolate with Jen and listen to music on itunes and watch movies. At least school gives you something to balance against wasting a lot of time.

And my main goal for this semester is to figure out what my major is going to be-or at least figure out what it is not going to be. I may have a minor, but the majors I'm looking at require statistics, and I really would like to avoid math at the moment, as I hated everything past Algebra II, including statistics.

Is a hammock really that comfortable?

By the way, my mom said, "Why do people scrapbook? The glue and tape are just going to separate from the paper anyway in the long run, and it will fall apart." Is this going to happen soon? I mean, I don't really care if it's like decades from now when I'm dead and stuff, but I'd prefer it to not happen soon. That would be depressing.

Pirate M&M's

My sister said something today that echoes my thoughts recently: "I really have to get more sleep at night. It's just hard when you have so much on your mind."

I realized lately that I am hardly ever not thinking. I don't mean that in a snobby, I'm better and smarter way, because I'm usually thinking about stupid stuff, but I rarely am not thinking about something. When I lay down at night, my mind is always racing with things that happened that day, or things I'm thinking about, or even flashbacks of upsetting moments in my life pop up occasionally. Is there a way to put your brain on autopilot? I think that's why I have trouble relaxing. I started getting chest pains last week, and I think it's because I've been really stressed. I need to just calm down and take one day at a time, but I'm very melodramatic, so I tend to make a bigger deal out of everything than it really is. Sometimes it helps if I breathe deeply and drink water, though. Sometimes music helps, too.

Has anyone ever tried counting sheep? Does that really help? I don't think it would, because then you would be counting sheep instead of trying to fall asleep.

You know, I really should be attempting to sleep right now instead of typing this, but my sleep schedule's all off, so I'm not even tired yet. That's going to be a problem at school. Or maybe not. I went to bed late at school too, though not quite as late, if I wanted to attend at least some of my classes that day.

I'm so excited about school starting again! It starts in a month. I'm actually looking forward to my classes, and they are actually classes I want to take-though that could be because it's my first semester with no science classes. I'm taking a vocal class too-this makes me nervous because I'm kind of shy, but I'm going to have to sing in front of the class and stuff, so I'll have to get over it. My voice isn't horrid, but people at college are usually really good, so that's a lot of pressure. I imagine I'll enjoy it once I get used to it.

My mom bought a package of Pirate M&M's, since I like Pirates of the Caribbean so much. They were very exciting to eat. There was a picture of Jack on the wrapper.

Bitter is still a flavor

My parents and I were talking about my latest appointment for the doctor, and I thought it was the 14th, my mom thought it was today, and my dad didn't have a clue, so both parents called the office, which was pretty funny. It turns out I was right, so I was happy for a little while, but then my symptoms started getting worse. My "condition" is kind of scary, since it is still kind of new to me, so I started to panic. I called the doctor, but he just said to keep an eye on it, and to call again if it got worse. I'm feeling better now, but I don't like my body doing things without telling me, so I panicked.

Not much is new in my life, other than that. I haven't done much this whole summer-I've been "concentrating on my health". So I didn't take any classes, didn't get a job-all I do is tour my extended family around the city, make jewelry, and scrapbook. And take pills. Every waking moment of my life is consumed by my medicine. I hate it. I hate things being out of my control, too.

I had a dream last night that I became a country/christian singer person and I did pretty well, but I had a stage name and people weren't too familiar with my real identity. I told one of my best friends, Ali, but I didn't tell my other high school friends because I didn't know how they'd react. For Christmas, though, my friend Julie (name has been changed) gave me my own CD as a present, because she thought I would like it. I struggled not to laugh (in the dream, of course) and my friend Ali did too, because she had got me my own merchandise as a joke.

It was quite an amusing dream, but I wonder if it has underlying meaning. My mom likes to analyze my dreams, but we don't really have an answer for this one. Another time I had a dream where I wrote a novel about this crazy love-triangle thing that happened with a group of friends, and my friend was like, "did you read this book? It sounds like what happened to us! (It was julie) and I was like, "really? what a coincidence!

It's not like I keep a ton of secrets from my friends or something, but I think that some things that happen in my life people simply wouldn't care about, so I don't tell them. Fortunately, most things I tell a lot of people, so it's not a big deal. Anyone who doesn't know me very well thinks I'm kind of quiet and shy-anyone else thinks I can't stop talking.

For family night, my dad is buying these 99 cent caramel banana splits from Sonic. They have them on the commercials all the time and I've been wanting to try one for forever. My sister is coming home from a summer at college in two weeks, and I'm kind of excited because I'll at least have someone to hang out with for a week.

I hope everyone has a good week!

I recently heard the song "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and I love it. The music is so pretty. I was reading through the lyrics, though, and they don't make sense.

He says that he sees a beautiful girl on the subway, but she's with another guy. He says that's okay, because he has a plan.

Unfortunately, the rest of the song just says "you're beautiful-I'll never be with you"....blah blah blah....where did his plan go? Was his plan to just give up????? I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If someone has the answer, that would be great! *Warning-there is a clean and an unclean version of this song. The unclean version lyris have a very bad word in them. You are officially warned.

Onto a lighter note, After two months of letting my scrapbooking stuff sit around in my room, I've started working on it with a feverish energy, desperate to get it finished before I go out to school, so I don't have to lug all my stuff with me. I think it looks pretty good so far. Unfortunately, I'm only a bit past halloween, so I don't know if I'll be done in a month (it sounds easy to do, but I'm a slacker, so lots of slacking time must be figured in.) I really like doing it, but I think for the rest of college I'm just going to do photo albums, because they are sooo much easier.

The other day my dad and I were in the car, and this song comes on, and I swear it sounded like the band was saying, "mow the lawn, mow the lawn" but when I asked my dad if that was what they were saying he gave me a strange look. It's the "Move Along" song by all-american rejects (if you were wondering, they are actually saying "move along" not "mow the lawn"). If you hear it, though, say the words "mow the lawn" while it is playing, and it fits!

I would like to say I have more of a life than this, but no, not really.