Wake me When It's Over

My brain has gone under meltdown the past three days. It's a wonder that any of the stored information I crammed for finals was retrievable through my fogged head. Needless to say, I've been sick all week. I no longer want to take my throat out with a fork, but it's pretty close.

I'm going home tomorrow, so you'd think there are a million things I could be doing: cleaning, packing, doing laundry, studying for my last final...but unfortunately I can't seem to get the desire to do any of it. All I seem to want to do is read an old favorite in bed with some hot chocolate.

I've seen these things before, where you put your itunes on shuffle and whatever song comes up is supposed to answer your question, but a few actually worked. Others make no sense whatsoever. Here is the list, along with my commentary...

Opening Credits: Two Worlds-Tarzan Movie
I suppose that this song confirms my Dad's joke about one of us girls being adopted.

Waking Up: Jasmin-Yui Makino-Tsubasa Chronicle
A japanese anime song, it is actually very lively, something I would listen to while getting ready in the morning.

First Day At School: Marian the Librarian
I think this song implies that I'm a nerd, but I'm not!

Falling In Love: Save me from myself-Christina Aguilera
I really like this song. It does tend to come off like the person's suicidal, but I think really they are saving them from their own doubt and self-condemnation.

Fight Song: The Beat of My Heart-Hilary Duff
I really like the part where it says "I want you to see I'm not scared to dance." I think this song works!

Breaking Up: Thank You-Simple Plan
Though not too familiar with this particular song, I love Simple Plan, and I interpreted that this "Thank You" was actually quite sarcastic. Perhaps these boys need to listen to some more upbeat music....

Prom: Finale-The Secret Garden
Um...what? Though now that I think of it, our Prom's Theme was "Midsummer Night's Dream" and we had these fake trees so...it's kind of related, right?

Life's OK: Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer
A beautiful instrumental song (it's the accompaniment CD for my vocal class), it invokes peace, which is exactly what is needed when life isn't going so well. It is to the Savior, after all, that we look to for hope.

Mental Breakdown: Yakusoku-Ami, PGSM
One of my Japanese songs, I don't actually know what it's about, but it does not appear to be a breakdown kind of song....

Driving: Iowa Stubborn
I would never sing this song in the car or while driving. Ever.

Flashback: Stand-Rascal Flatts
I suppose you could think of this song when you need inspiration to do something, and you remember a time when you were brave.

Getting Back Together: Nothing Wrong-LDS P&P
Coincidentally, I think this song is played at the end of the movie (It's the reprise) when all the couples are together.

Wedding: Go Away From My Window- Folk Song Book
Uh huh....

Birth of Child: Piano Lesson
This is probably symbolistic of how I will end up with a daughter just as stubborn as me, in payment for how I was with my mother.

Final Battle: Home to Stay-Josh Groban
Oooh! I want to stay home with Josh Groban!

Death Scene: 7/10/02 Benton Paul
I don't really know what this song is about, but...it's sounds nice, so that's good...right?

Funeral Song: Steady as she goes-The Raconteurs
...huh?

End Credits: Wedding Celebration and Bottle Dance, Fiddler on the Roof
Right...I think I have too much weird music that keeps coming up.


Well, that was fun, but I'm rather hungry for dinner. That's probably something I can force myself into.

Sorry, I'm losing my mind

I'm not in a good mood. Sorry to everyone who's heard me rant today. Cleaning today, finals all week, and my world is a dark haze. Fortunately, we have to look for the good things in life, not dwell on the bad. I recently bought the book "Emma Brown" where 20 pages were written by Charlotte Bronte before she died and the rest finished by someone else. Everyone's life in this book completely sucks, but they learn to make the best of it. Normally those kind of books are a bit of a downer, but this book is really interesting!

My friend Ali makes anime music videos, and I love her new one, so if you by chance like Full Metal Alchemist (and romance), I highly suggest you watch her new video on You Tube.

I really want a cream soda now.

Animal Feet

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing. - Randy K. Milholland

This was today's quote on my gmail home page. My english teacher said once that most people think that english majors are anal about grammar, but he said that it wasn't true, that they focused more on the content than the grammar. Though I would like to point out if your grammar is truly terrible, it doesn't sound like you have content whether you do or not. Have you ever read a paper really bad? The written text should flow as easily as speaking (though some people have trouble in that department as well) and when you write badly, you sound like a moron. This may or not be true-it just comes off that way.

I haven't written on blogger in a while...I'm not sure why. I just haven't felt like writing. Do you ever feel like you're on a train and you suddenly realize you're not really sure where the train is going? You don't want to get off and be going nowhere, but you're suddenly not sure you want to end up where the train is going, and you can't find anywhere better to go.

I feel very stagnant right now. If I felt I was working toward something, perhaps I would feel better....

I have a strange desire to go caroling. Anyone want to join me?

I have to keep reminding myself that even if I fail at something I try to do, it's not at the end of the world. I have to remember that life is still okay.

I want people to miss me like I miss them. Is that so bad?

I didn't like this picture at first, but it's growing on me.

I think real love is different than the stories. This is probably a good thing. It feels like it would really work, with a wedding, and a family. Fairy Tales just kind of end after the wedding, where in real life they begin.

What are sheep feet like? are they paws, or hooves, or something else?

Why is researching sheep feet so much more interesting than revising my paper?

One week left. Let's survive....

The First Noel

Why is it the more work I have to do, the less I feel like doing?

Why is it that sometimes, you can "be working" on a paper for hours and realize you've written maybe a page, and other times you can churn out several pages without even realizing it?

My life is a mess. I feel like I've been asleep all semester and suddenly I've woken up and I want to do well in my classes, want to work hard, but have somehow forgotten how. I think I did really bad on my art history test....oh well. My teacher throws out one of our test grades, so mine will for sure be this one. I looked at the last question and said "huh?" I just made some stuff up on it.

I'm excited for next semester so I can start anew. It is very strange to go from high school where all your classes are a year, to go to college and have everything new each semester, but I rather like it that way.

I also love Christmas. It is my favorite holiday and I love buying people presents and I love shopping and I love decorating. I wish I had put up on our Christmas decorations at home before I left, though, because that's one of my favorite parts of Christmas. That and dancing around to Christmas music. And shopping. And figuring out what to get people for presents, even though they never react like you want them to. You want them to appreciate the time you spent agonizing over what to get them. Seriously, what do you even get grandparents? They are the hardest for me every year and I still have no clue what to buy them.

I don't think I've given my coat rant yet, so here it is. Both my coats are red because winter is dark and dreary and depressing, and red brightens it up! Yeah....which is weird, because almost all of my clothes are neutral colors or blue....

Today's favorite section is........my favorite class!

My favorite class this semester is Human Development. I am so intrigued class after class, and it hasn't gone away. Today my teacher showed a clip of the Today show with Katie Couric, talking about preschool "mean girls" (It was when the movie came out) and there is my teacher, sitting on the couch talking to Katie Couric in the video! I was so shocked, I nearly fell over. It was the coolest thing ever.

Beautiful Girl

I don't really know why I'm writing a blog at 12:30 at night when I'm dead tired, but I'm feeling it, so I'm writing it. Normally I'm not tired this late, but I've been getting up early all week to run around and do things. Actually, twice I've had to get ready in 40 minutes after being woken up and told we're meeting someone at a certain time. I hate being rushed in getting ready. In an ideal world, I would love to take like 3 hours getting ready, but even if I have that much time, I don't use it to get ready anyway, so it doesn't matter.

My favorite movie ever, Singing in the Rain, is on TV, so we're watching it. I just adore this movie. Yes, there are some scenes that are really long and boring, but many parts of it I just love. When I was really little I wanted to marry Gene Kelly. I'm not sure if he was dead at the time or not.

Even though we're doing a ton of running around and shopping, I'm actually quite relaxed. I'm a little sad to back to school because I will have to face the world and papers and tests and everything I'm not ready for, though I am excited to see my friends and enjoy all the things I love about going to school. Even if I don't have near enough energy to do it all and will get no sleep when I go back for a few days.

There are so many things I wanted to do this week that I just didn't do. I really wanted to work on my scrapbook and buy people's Christmas presents and work on my story, but I ended up watching movies with my family, reading the 5th Harry Potter book, and playing my sister's SIMS2 on our computer. I don't know how I have less time at home then I do at school, but I do.

I think I need my dog at school with me to keep my stress level down.

I think college is one of the most selfish times in a person's life. They have no family with them, no one except their friends and roommates to care about, and they have to make all kinds of decisions about their future. That's not a bad thing, as it is an important stage of life, but sometimes I hate it.

Good night, bowl full of mush

You know, I tried to not take a nap today so I could be tired and go to bed early, but around 6pm my eyes started closing and I felt physically exhausted and sick. So I laid down for a few minutes (it ended up being an hour but I'm not sure if I fell asleep or not) until my cell phone ringing scared the crap out of me.

My grandmother's dog ate two pounds of chocolate and got sick, but he seems to be okay now.

Am I a terrible person for thinking that people are vindictive sometimes? (Don't answer that..) It's just that sometimes people really don't do things as accidents. Yes, most of the time they are not and I am a highly suspicious person, but sometimes they are. Growing up, if anyone at school said something mean, my mom would always say "They have low self-esteem, so that's why" or "They probably have problems at home" and it used to drive me crazy. All I wanted was a little sympathy for me, not the other person. I wonder if it is because of my mother that I enjoy studying why people act or think a certain way so much. Now I am starting to analyze people's actions just as much as she does. Is it bad that I start using sociological theories to explain my family?

My favorite Christmas movie is "The Muppet Christmas Carol". I watch it all the time when it's around Christmas. My poor roomie's going to hate it before finals start **) he he.....

Aren't colors amazing? Today was so nice looking and the sky so blue that I wanted to twirl around in it and be a part of it, even if all I can see is parking lots and the roads to dance in.

One of the things I really wanted to see when my family moved to Oklahoma City was the art museum, because when I lived in St.Louis a glass sculptor/blower did an amazing glass exhibit at the botanical garden that I just loved, and this artist Chihuly has a large exhibit in the OKC musuem, as I think he lived there or something. The glass was soo cool! There was this glass ceiling in one room that was completely amazing. The art makes you happy like nothing I've ever seen.

Seriously, if anyone can duplicate this kind of art, I'd like to see it.

My favorite...Thanksgiving food!

Well....I'm not a big turkey fan, I hate cranberry sauce, I tried sweet potoatoes for the first time last week and they were okay, and I hate most pies, but I love any and all bread made by my mother, and I love her stuffing.

Today I laid on my bed with my head on the pillow and took like 20 pictures of myself. I was practicing closing my eyes and then opening them when the flash went off so my eyes would be open in the picture, with mixed results. I think I got my headache from that. Good night, everyone.

Is it me?

I took a bunch of blogger quizzes today-most were stupid, but some I actually found amusing, so here they are.

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life. People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

You Are a Red Flower

A red flower tends to represent power, seduction, and desire. At times, you are loving like a red tulip. And at other times, you're very enthusiastic, like a bouvardia. And more than you wish, your passion is a bit overwhelming, like a red rose.

What Color Flower Are You?

You Belong in Barcelona

When it comes to Europe, you don't want to decide between culture and fun. You want art by day and a big party by night. Barcelona is ideal for you. You can check out some Picasso, eat some tapas, take a siesta, and then dance all night!

What European City Do You Belong In?

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Any opinions?

$7.51 for a chapstick, anyone?

I didn't have any cash on me and I only had $18.00 in my Wells Fargo account (as all my real money is in my Bank of America account that apparently does not exist in Utah) and the stupid ATM makes you withdraw at least 20 dollars, so I had to use my debit card in twilight zone to buy some desperately needed chapstick (I'm still not used to being in the desert of Utah weather), which meant I needed to spend a substantial amount of money so I didn't get a dumb fee from Visa for not spending enough. All this meant that I had to wander around twilight zone, trying to find stuff to buy. At least my roommate and I get to try this foreign chocolate I spotted today (it looks german), so that's something at least.

I'm actually in a really good mood today! My roommate Jen and I went to socialize last night after Ward Prayer, and we went to this really awesome guy's apartment that was completely hillarious. I had a great time. I thought I was going to have to do my singing test today in my vocal class, but instead my teacher brought her husband in to do a men's workshop into going into falsetto while us girls watched. I felt bad for them, because they were all like, "I feel dumb-we sound like girls!"

Then I got a postcard from my friend Alex in Paris!!!!! She says she has art history classes in the Louvre every week It sounds amazing. I've love to go to Italy or Paris. I think going anywhere in Italy would be soooo cool. Maybe Alex and I can go to Italy together someday.

I have hardly any food. Or maybe I just don't want what I have. Why is good cooking so much work? I swear I'm going to gain like ten pounds when I go home. Maybe that's a good thing though, since I've been losing weight here.

I used to dislike the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, but my friend Ali put this song to an anime music video, and suddenly I like it. The same thing made me fall in love with Ryan Cabrerra when she put two of his songs into videos. Ali, you need to make more videos. How else will I discover new music?

Okay, today's Favorite section is:

My favorite scent is Cherry Blossom. I decided this is what Sakura from CCS smells like, and I'd like to smell like her. One of my friends asked me how I know what an anime character smells like, but her name means "cherry blossom" in Japanese, so it's like, "Of course that's what she smells like. What kind of question is that???" Besides, I was walking on campus one day and these two random boys I walked past said something smelled like cherries. Do you think I'm going to use something else?


On another note, I've always dreamed of going to the Cherry Blossom festival in Washington D.C. The problem is, you never know when the trees are going to bloom, so you can't exactly plan for a trip like that in advance. If a guy ever took me to the cherry blossom festival, I'd probably marry him. This also applies to a festival in Japan.

Life isn't worth living if I can't be beautiful!!!*

I wrote a lovely long angry and bitter article for this post but decided it will be much better sitting in the darkness of my computer folder than on this post, and I was going to replace it with an article about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, but it turned out that article about Harry Potter and whats-his-name replaced it in that edition of the Quibbler, so you get this rambling nonsense.

So...yeah. During the summer, I had a long dream about the beginning of my new story, but as I left the first part of it at home on accident and I didn't want my parents going through my files to send it to me, I've been waiting to work on it until Thanksgiving. I really don't even know if I like it anymore. The story seems somewhat fake even to me. I've always liked fantasy novels and stories simply because they weren't real, and they help you forget the real world, but stories that touch you in the real world are great too, because you can't hide forever.

I had a thought today that most people simply aren't that compassionate. I used to think everyone was as a child, but most people tend to have a "get over yourself' kind of attitude that isn't very kind. I'm not saying we should sit around and wait for people to come to us with every little problem, but I think people would be happier if someone was there to say, "You know what? I don't understand what you're going through, but I will still listen and be here for you anyway." Why aren't there more people like that?

As my last post didn't have a favorites section, this one can have two:

The First is movie most seen. This is really dumb but...a longggg time ago in middle school I had never seen any anime movies before, but my friend Ali used to draw Sailor Moon characters in her notebook in class and she'd tell me about it, and I saw the Sailor Moon R (that's the name of the series) movie and I instantly bought it. It was what got me hooked on anime and even though it's really cheesy and stuff, I've probably seen it 30 times, no joke. There was a time when I could quote all of the movie from memory except this one part with a news broadcast. I bet I could still do part of it if I really tried.

The Second is my favorite musical. I love a whole bunch of musicals, but my top three are:

1-Evita (movie though)
2-Wicked
3-Aida

My dad and my sister and I used to sing Evita in the car together, our favorite being "Another Suitcase in Another Hall" even though my dad can't sing at all and normally doesn't like it. You know, when I was younger I used to sing christmas carols in the car with my family, but no one really liked it but me. My parents didn't know most of the words and my sister hated singing wth people. If you sang with her she stopped singing so usually we 'd be singing two different songs at the same time.

*The title is actually a quote from "Howl's Moving Castle" and is completely hillarious. The very vain wizard Howl is upset after Sophie ruins all his hair potions when she cleans the house.

Do the Cocomotion with me!

My life constantly confuses me.

I feel like I am in a haze, and am slow to respond to everything. Paper is late? big deal. You slept until 11am? That's okay! I think those flannel sheets I bought on sale were a mistake, because now I no longer wish to get out of bed.

Our cable finally works! Amazing what they can do in 2 months time...oh, our amazing technology...so, this was the first episode of the Office that I was actually able to watch on televison. It was quite exciting. For those who aren't aware (or can pretend to want to hear again) Phyllis Smith on the Office is actually related to me! My grandpa and her are cousins. I haven't met her since I was like five, of course, but it's still nice to know. It's weird, because I have no idea what her personality is like in real life, but I have to remind myself that Phyllis on the show is different from the real person. I feel like if I ever met her in person, I'd ask how Bob Vance was.

I was randomly flipping through the channels last night instead of writing my sociology paper, when I came across a debate for the Oklahoma governors on CSPAN! Normally I don't actually follow this kind of thing, but I've actually met the republican canidate, as he's in my ward back home, so I decided to watch. I strongly agreed with Istook (the republican canidate), but then I'm probably biased both since I know him and I tended to agree with the issues he was talking about (P.S. I'm not republican, but I do agree with quite a few of their stances, and I happened to agree on the ones they were talking about). In fact, it gave me an idea for my sociology paper.

I just wrote two paragraphs on tv....my life is sad. I was reading this dilbert comic in the newspaper the other day, and it went as follows....

Dilbert: It's another day of useless and work and no accomplishment. Luckily I have a meaningful personal life.

(Random dog person): Ratbert broke the XBox.

Dilbert: GAAA!!! I HAVE NOTHING!

Unfortunately I have almost no social life, so this felt sadly familar to me.

For my vocal class I had to check this book out of the library called the inner game of tennis. I didn't really think it would be an athletic book, but oh yes it was. I felt so dumb sitting in this section of books about sports, considering I am terrible at any and all sports, except that I did dance when I was younger, but that doesn't really count.

But the book was really good! It talks about how tennis is half mental, and you basically have to stop thinking about how bad or good you are and just play. It was really interesting.

The haze seems to have cleared a bit. Time for another day.

World Series, Baby!

I am feeling a whole lot of adreneline right now. The Cardinals beat the Mets!!! We are going to the World Series! We are going to the World Series! We are going to the World Series! I could dance! I am so excited!!!!!!

I just love baseball. They actually have to have endurance; with a 162 games, they have to be good all summer long, not just the handful of games you get in football. Baseball is my favorite sport to watch not necessarily because it is better than other sports, but because I have been watching this team my whole life, and I will probably never support any other athletic team as much as this one.

Plus baseball fans are so much cooler in the stands than in any other sport. And baseball fights are awesome.

...Did that sound strange? If you've ever seen one, you know what I mean. They're so rare because basball is hardly a contact sport, but usually someone gets mad and both teams crowd around home plate and it just makes me laugh. I've never seen anyone get hurt from these fights. You might think they are sissies, but personally I think it's smart that they don't ordinarily try to ruin their careers by sustaining injuries.

Anyway...yeah, that still sounds odd. Oh well.

Does anyone ever ask you what you want to do with your life? What if you don't have an answer? I mean, yes, you've got the general plan of a degree, a husband, a family, a job, retirement, blah blah blah....but what if it doesn't work? I mean, who all has a highly detailed plan for their life? and of those who do, when has life ever followed your set plan? My plan would probably be different than what's currently happening, but that's okay, because who's to say I would like how things would turn out if I followed my original plan?


Today's favorite section is on....favorite thing to do. My favorite thing to do is...........

go shopping!

I love going shopping. Whether it is in the mall at my favorite stores, dollar general, wal-mart, or twilight zone in the bookstore. I think I just like picking up things and taking them home with me. I'm such a crazy shopper though. I love clothes and shoes and books and movies, but I'm also a very hesitant buyer. I like to buy compulsively, but I also will debate for a long time over whether to buy something. If you've ever gone clothes shopping with me, you've probably seen me both hesitate over a 5 dollar shirt and also go right over and buy 80 dollars worth of jeans instantly. And you know if you've ever gone shoe shopping with me that I love shoes but will take 5 years to find a shoe I like after looking among millions of shoes. It's so odd. And yet I still love it.

I also love sale bins. I like to root through the bin to buy something, even if there's nothing I want, I'll check several times to make sure there's nothing I want. I almost feel obligated to buy something simply because there is a sale and so I should take advantage of it.

You know, I used to feel very torn between my friends who didn't care about fashion at all and thought I cared wayyy too much about clothes and shoes and matching, and my friends who always wore make-up and straightened their hair and shopped at express and limited when I dressed in jeans all the time. I used to feel like I didn't fit in anyway.

I still don't fit in. Now I just don't care.

Men are a Necessary Evil

What is it?
The feeling you get when you’re nerves are humming just being around him
A magnetic pull
A feeling of attraction
Where the future is scary
But still, still tempting
A pulse going 40 miles an hour
A heart racing
Waiting for the future
Anticipation
For without this
Where are we going?
What are we moving for?


Yes, not my greatest, I realize, but I just kind of threw it out there a few days ago and dug it out while organizing my files. Poetry is usually the way I express my emotions when I can't describe them any other way.

People think that dogs have emotions that are simple and not like humans, but I've seen quite a few humans with this expression, haven't you?

I LOVE MY DOG! I don't understand how people could prefer cats over dogs. Someone told me once that a dog is stupid and loves everyone, whereas you have to work for a cat's affection, which isn't necessarily a good thing. I think it's great that a dog can love unconditionally. Of course, it's not for nothing the water pressure people call this cute dog "The Grizzly Bear".

For reference to the title of this entry, listen to the song "Necessary Evil" by Benton Paul.

Today's favorite section:

Um...my favorite decoration!

I love picture frames! I have so many at school at the moment that I don't have room for them all! I tried putting some in front of boxes on the shelf in my closet until one fell down and bonked me on my head. I took them out after that.

My teacher said today in class, "I'm going to say a dirty word, so don't listen. MUD." I was dying laughing. The girl sitting next to me actually stopped listening to her cell phone music to look up to see what was so funny.

I love the dashing and the British

My roommate has informed me that I haven't posted in a while, so I'm going to post now. I finally got my camera cable from my sister, so I'm putting a picture of those pretty flowers that I told you about that got smashed.

Aren't they potentially so pretty??? I was so sad when they were gone. One of the things I miss most about St. Louis is driving down the back roads, looking at all the changing leaves.

I've heard that yellow roses can mean either "friendship" or "love everlasting". That's kind of a wide jump of emotions. What if you thought someone loved you, but they really only wanted friendship? You'd be heartbroken. My favorite flowers are morning glories, white roses and lilacs. I'm really sad that we left our lilac tree in Missouri behind. I think we have a small tree outside Sarah's window in Oklahoma, but I don't remember what kind it is.

Why are flowers so great? I mean, they die, so you don't get to have them very long, but that is probably why they are so precious. I honestly don't care too much about the mountains here because they're the same today, tomorrow, and five years from now. Yes in the winter they have snow on them, but that doesn't really inspire me the way a drive through a sea of orange, red, and yellow does.

Perhaps I should talk about more than flowers....Today's Favorite's section is on...hot chocolate!

I drink hot chocolate almost every day, since I love to watch the whirring of Jen's cocomotion.

My favorite is milk chocolate, but belgian dark chocolate is a close second. I also like cinnamon too. Chocolate Raspberry sounds good too, but I've never had it. I think I'll buy that next.

Happy October!

I can't believe it is already October. That means that I'm one month into school, my sister's birthday is coming up (Sarah what do you want????) the leaves are changing (for a whole three days in Provo before they fall to the ground...) and the weather is amazing! I love fall. I hate being cold, but I tend to get physically sick if I'm too hot, so fall weather is perfect for me. I love the flowers in spring, but it's still usually too cold for me to enjoy.

Do you have something you should or shouldn't be doing, and everyone knows it? So they'll say, "Did you do it? Did you do it? DID YOU DO IT?" All the time. It could be taking medication (for the last time I am not a drug addict!!!), going to class, asking a boy out, doing homework, or anything. If it's something important, and you keep saying, "no...no....no...." it's completely guilt-tripping. It's like you have failed the ENTIRE WORLD. And you want to be able to do it for yourself, because it's important to you, but now there's all this pressure, and it's completely ruined. When you finally do it, it's like you were doing it to please them instead of you.

On a positive note, I started taking my medicine again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in a state of fleeting joy. I feel like Colin in the Secret Garden when he says, "I'm going to live forever and ever!" (This may not make much sense unless you've read the book. I highly encourage it.) I say fleeting because soon the happiness will wear off and I'll just be irritated that I have to take it, but for now I'm happy.

There are these gorgeous purple flowers right outside the MOA on campus, just one bunch of them. I've been meaning to take a picture of them for awhile, but today I actually brought my camera to take a picture of them, and SOMEONE HAD FLATTENED THEM!!!! I was so sad!!! I took a picture of them to show people, and I will put in on here once my sister returns my camera cable (or, if I have it, I find it buried in my room).

I put a picture of Winry from Full Metal Alchemist on my phone, because she's blonde so she could look like me, plus she's my favorite female anime character of all time. If I would be anyone, I would be her. She is a very strong person who has gone through a lot, but she still has compassion and kindness for others. It's the kind of person I'd like to be. Plus, she's just awesome**)

What do grades in classes matter? I mean really. Yes, I realize they are important for Graduate school and getting a good job and stuff, but other than that, not really. Does it matter when you went to class? Supposedly you're supposed to learn a lot outside of the classroom, in life, which is just as important. So why isn't there are "life" class at school?

Today's Favorite Section is on....um...art...yes, art. I like art!

My favorite painters are Monet and Van Gogh (though I agree that Michelangelo is freaking amazing) and my favorite sculpters are Michelangelo and Bernini. I have no artistic talent at all, so other's work always impresses me.

Hourig sounds like a cow's name....

Does it ever bother anyone that the question "How are you?" should never be answered honestly? The expected response is "fine" or "good" and then people go on with life. They never actually want to know, and if you do give a whole explanation of why you feel like crying or jumping a plane to australia over something they feel isn't a big deal, they inwardly cringe as they tune you out, thinking, "oh crap, why did even ask?" Very few people actually want to know, and when they do ask, all they get is the customary "fine" and so they assume everything is fine. Gahhh!

I read a really interesting theory on invisible illnesses about spoons. If you actually care (and actually get it) it's on http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com Click on "spoon theory"

I decided today's favorite section is on names! My favorite boy and girl names!

Girl Names:
Emilie (spelled like that)
Julie
Adele
Katoria (pronounced KA TORE AH)
Charlotte

I realized that I really like "pretty" girl names. That was unintentional.

Boy names:
Kyle
Edward
Austin
Ryan

This is off topic, but I had an ancestor with the middle name Lincoln. I suddenly want to have a son with the middle name Lincoln.

Fear

How do you deal with fear? I'm really stubborn, so if I don't want to do something really bad, I won't do it. I generally try to control my temper around non-family members (Sarah's laughing right now) so it doesn't come off that I get really mad, but I generally throw that out the window if I don't want to do something. If people pressure me, I get really ticked.

When I'm afraid of something, I like to forget about it. I like to pretend it's not a big deal, that it doesn't matter, or it doesn't exist. I like to put things off. Even if I can go now or in ten minutes, I will wait that ten minutes because I don't want to deal with it. When I have no choice, though, I get really upset. I panic and I freak out. This is also a problem because I tend to be afraid of many things. It's kind of my cover. If I'm afraid of things, I don't have to try anything new. I can stay where I am and be completely comfortable.

Of course, no one will let me do this. I have to be brave, I have to be smart, I have to be social. I get dragged along, digging in my heels, but I do it anyway. I don't know if I should be glad or angry.

Today's favorite is my favorite poem that I have written. Or, one of them. I like different things for different reasons. I feel like throwing this out in the open because these feelings for this person have made a complete 180 turn, but I hope to have these feelings for someone else in the future.

I haven’t slept in days, thinking about you
Imagining conversations, feeling hope and despair

I want to talk to you, just know what you think
So desperate that I want the truth, even though I’m scared

You make me laugh and make me smile
I enjoy just being with you

I wish that things weren’t so complicated
That you were just a boy, and I a girl

No politics, no awkwardness, just-being
No “friends-or-not-friends”, no “what will happen next”

I just want there to be no risk, so we could discuss it
Instead of using channels, hoping and dreaming among friends

And yet, I’m scared and afraid to act

Just like him
So I’ll continue to watch him from afar

Goodnight, my lucky star


I swear, if someone steals this poem from me and claims it as their own, I will shave their head in their sleep. Repeatedly (as when it grows back).

Lavender vs. Lilac

I am free! I am free from German! No more phrases I can't remember or understand, no more awkward conversations I don't understand! I mean, German was fun, but it just wasn't worth taking up so much of my time. There's no point in passing German if I'm going to fail everything else. so....now I have a big gap in my schedule. Theoretically this means that I can get up early and use that extra time to study for my other classes, but I probably won't do so great at that.

I really like my vocal class. I had to sing in front of the class today though, and it was really scary. My hands were shaking as I held the hymnal. I think I did okay, but I think I didn't do as well as I could have were I not so nervous. My brain was kind of frozen. We are learning a song called "Guide me to thee," which is really pretty. It's also kind of hard to learn, but I think it will be fun. Practicing the same song over and over again on your own is kind of hard. It gets repetitive, and you don't feel like singing the same song over and over again. I hope that my singing will improve with this class, but I really don't know.

I really liked President Samuelson's devotional on Tuesday. I'm tired of everyone being like, "the honor code is too strict, this rule is stupid, no, this rule is more important than that rule...blah blah blah....I'm tired of it! He totally set us all straight. It doesn't matter if we think one is more important than another, we signed it, so we shouldn't be dithering. Personally, I think if you think it's too strict then you should go somewhere else...though I admit that I have cut across the grass before and jaywalked, but if I get fined, I have to understand that I broke it, so I can deal with it (or beg money off my parents when I call them crying my eyes out)...anyway, I'm going to do a favorites section in my blog, for my posterity, so they can see what a wacko I am **)

Favorite Shade of Purple:

Now, this brings into question whether purple is a shade, or a group of colors? I mean, there's orchid, and lilac, and lavender, and apparently Oprah had her own crayon color that was a purplish shade....my favorite shade is....lilac! Jen and I have determined that lilac, in comparison to lavender, is slightly lighter and perhaps bluer....I'm not sure. Though my shirt is probably lavender, and it's a really pretty shade. I think it might have some pink in it. I love purple, it's a nice color, with lots of expression in it. I don't really like dark purple as much, but it's still fun. I might have a light purple wedding. It's either going to be light purple, periwinkle, medium pink, or sea green. I know exactly what I want. Right.

Um...I'm at school. Real exciting, right?

Does it ever bother you when you feel apathetic about something? Like you should care, and you know you should care, but you still don't?

No one does? Oh, good. I was really enjoying my German class for awhile, but now the novelty has worn off and I'm just dreading the class. I feel like I am not picking up the language phrases as quickly as other people in the class, but some of them already know a lot of German, so I just look stupid in comparison.

And....I feel like I should be having more fun than I am. People are like, "let's do this! Let's do that!" and....I don't feel like doing it. I feel like relaxing in my apartment. I realize I shouldn't be a hermit, but a hermit has more fun.

I love walking around campus when it's not too hot. The flowers are so gorgeous right now.

Yay! My other roommates bathroom flooded, so when the matinence man came, he fixed our sink and our broken door too! Woohoo! Hurray!

Here's me, as a spy:

Professor R. J. Lupin

Have you ever heard someone say, "With practice, it will get easier." Well, I'm here to tell you that this, on occasion, is a flagrant LIE. Not everything gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder.

I was talking with my dad about this, and he agrees. He passes out every time he gets a shot or too freaked out about a hospital. I had a doctor's appointment on monday, which was just a talk-to (though it was still in a hospital) and we were both panicking. It was really funny.

But anyway, he says he passes out still, after years of this happening. He says it is NOT easier, because instead he knows what is coming and so he still panics. I think, for me at least, it is the fear of what you know is coming, and what usually happens, than what is actually going to happen at the moment. The fear gets out of control, and so it becomes harder. The only solution I have is to either avoid it as much as you can (my usual solution) or, keep trying. Even if I fail several times, as long as I never completely give up, it's okay. Even if I can't do it today, I'll do it tomorrow. I know that, which helps with the fear. I take one day at a time, and I keep working at it. Some days are better than others, but the good thing about bad days is that you start over tomorrow, and it will be okay (This unfortunately means that if you have a good day, it means nothing for the next day and you have to start over again, but that's okay too.)

I heard a really cool quote from one of my anime shows, and it said, "Don't look down. If you have something you must do, just look ahead." I really liked it. It was direct and to the point.

So anyway, I met with my doctor earlier this week, and it turns out I lost four pounds. This was in a month. And no, I was not dieting, nor am I anorexic or bulemic, so I was kind of surprised. My doctor was like, "So, you lost some weight. How did that happen?" I wanted to be like, I don't know, you're the doctor, but I figure I should be nice to him since he does treat me. He also informed me that I should be on iron stuff, since my red blood cells are small, which a sign preceeding anemia. I wish, you know, the hospital could have told me this when I got my blood test results back, but no, it's not like they could figure it out. So helpful going to these people when they don't know what they're doing.

Apparently Julie Andrews is coming to do a women's health forum at my hospital in september. This is depressing, as tickets are free and I would have loved to go see her, but I'll be at school then. I'm trying to convince my mom to go instead, as that would be the coolest thing ever.

Only like 8 days until we go to STL, and then it's out to school!!!! It's all exciting.

P.S.-Ali, I'll write you in my subject when we've continued our story. **)

Vanilla Milk

I feel like this summer has been in a dream-like state. The first part of summer passed by painfully slow, but the past two months have just flown by. At first I was kind of anxious about school, but now I'm really excited to get out to Provo and start my classes and meeting new people and stuff.

Do you ever come to the end of summer and say, "what the heck did I do this summer? No job, no classes.." Well, even though I know no one in the entire state, here is a list of my accomplishments:

*I went from having taken no pills, ever, to taking...well, at least a couple a day, if not as much as I'm supposed to (for those reading, no I am not a drug addict!!!)
*I learned how to make beaded bracelets, which are actually pretty fun if kind of nerdy to do
*I survived my first colonoscopy and my first blood test (which, by the way, my dad can't do-he passes out every time he gets a shot)
*I'm not very artsy, but I finished a large portion of my scrapbook
*-this isn't really an accomplishment, but I bought a whole bunch of stuff for myself, plus a few things for my apartment, which was a lot of fun
*I started a brand new story I'm writing, which is a stand-alone story, not connected to someone else's book at all, a first for me


And...well, that's not a great list, but it's something. I'm planning to accomplish a lot more at school-I say plan, b/c most likely I'm not going to want to study all the time at school, I'm going to want to drink hot chocolate with Jen and listen to music on itunes and watch movies. At least school gives you something to balance against wasting a lot of time.

And my main goal for this semester is to figure out what my major is going to be-or at least figure out what it is not going to be. I may have a minor, but the majors I'm looking at require statistics, and I really would like to avoid math at the moment, as I hated everything past Algebra II, including statistics.

Is a hammock really that comfortable?

By the way, my mom said, "Why do people scrapbook? The glue and tape are just going to separate from the paper anyway in the long run, and it will fall apart." Is this going to happen soon? I mean, I don't really care if it's like decades from now when I'm dead and stuff, but I'd prefer it to not happen soon. That would be depressing.

Pirate M&M's

My sister said something today that echoes my thoughts recently: "I really have to get more sleep at night. It's just hard when you have so much on your mind."

I realized lately that I am hardly ever not thinking. I don't mean that in a snobby, I'm better and smarter way, because I'm usually thinking about stupid stuff, but I rarely am not thinking about something. When I lay down at night, my mind is always racing with things that happened that day, or things I'm thinking about, or even flashbacks of upsetting moments in my life pop up occasionally. Is there a way to put your brain on autopilot? I think that's why I have trouble relaxing. I started getting chest pains last week, and I think it's because I've been really stressed. I need to just calm down and take one day at a time, but I'm very melodramatic, so I tend to make a bigger deal out of everything than it really is. Sometimes it helps if I breathe deeply and drink water, though. Sometimes music helps, too.

Has anyone ever tried counting sheep? Does that really help? I don't think it would, because then you would be counting sheep instead of trying to fall asleep.

You know, I really should be attempting to sleep right now instead of typing this, but my sleep schedule's all off, so I'm not even tired yet. That's going to be a problem at school. Or maybe not. I went to bed late at school too, though not quite as late, if I wanted to attend at least some of my classes that day.

I'm so excited about school starting again! It starts in a month. I'm actually looking forward to my classes, and they are actually classes I want to take-though that could be because it's my first semester with no science classes. I'm taking a vocal class too-this makes me nervous because I'm kind of shy, but I'm going to have to sing in front of the class and stuff, so I'll have to get over it. My voice isn't horrid, but people at college are usually really good, so that's a lot of pressure. I imagine I'll enjoy it once I get used to it.

My mom bought a package of Pirate M&M's, since I like Pirates of the Caribbean so much. They were very exciting to eat. There was a picture of Jack on the wrapper.

Bitter is still a flavor

My parents and I were talking about my latest appointment for the doctor, and I thought it was the 14th, my mom thought it was today, and my dad didn't have a clue, so both parents called the office, which was pretty funny. It turns out I was right, so I was happy for a little while, but then my symptoms started getting worse. My "condition" is kind of scary, since it is still kind of new to me, so I started to panic. I called the doctor, but he just said to keep an eye on it, and to call again if it got worse. I'm feeling better now, but I don't like my body doing things without telling me, so I panicked.

Not much is new in my life, other than that. I haven't done much this whole summer-I've been "concentrating on my health". So I didn't take any classes, didn't get a job-all I do is tour my extended family around the city, make jewelry, and scrapbook. And take pills. Every waking moment of my life is consumed by my medicine. I hate it. I hate things being out of my control, too.

I had a dream last night that I became a country/christian singer person and I did pretty well, but I had a stage name and people weren't too familiar with my real identity. I told one of my best friends, Ali, but I didn't tell my other high school friends because I didn't know how they'd react. For Christmas, though, my friend Julie (name has been changed) gave me my own CD as a present, because she thought I would like it. I struggled not to laugh (in the dream, of course) and my friend Ali did too, because she had got me my own merchandise as a joke.

It was quite an amusing dream, but I wonder if it has underlying meaning. My mom likes to analyze my dreams, but we don't really have an answer for this one. Another time I had a dream where I wrote a novel about this crazy love-triangle thing that happened with a group of friends, and my friend was like, "did you read this book? It sounds like what happened to us! (It was julie) and I was like, "really? what a coincidence!

It's not like I keep a ton of secrets from my friends or something, but I think that some things that happen in my life people simply wouldn't care about, so I don't tell them. Fortunately, most things I tell a lot of people, so it's not a big deal. Anyone who doesn't know me very well thinks I'm kind of quiet and shy-anyone else thinks I can't stop talking.

For family night, my dad is buying these 99 cent caramel banana splits from Sonic. They have them on the commercials all the time and I've been wanting to try one for forever. My sister is coming home from a summer at college in two weeks, and I'm kind of excited because I'll at least have someone to hang out with for a week.

I hope everyone has a good week!

I recently heard the song "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and I love it. The music is so pretty. I was reading through the lyrics, though, and they don't make sense.

He says that he sees a beautiful girl on the subway, but she's with another guy. He says that's okay, because he has a plan.

Unfortunately, the rest of the song just says "you're beautiful-I'll never be with you"....blah blah blah....where did his plan go? Was his plan to just give up????? I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If someone has the answer, that would be great! *Warning-there is a clean and an unclean version of this song. The unclean version lyris have a very bad word in them. You are officially warned.

Onto a lighter note, After two months of letting my scrapbooking stuff sit around in my room, I've started working on it with a feverish energy, desperate to get it finished before I go out to school, so I don't have to lug all my stuff with me. I think it looks pretty good so far. Unfortunately, I'm only a bit past halloween, so I don't know if I'll be done in a month (it sounds easy to do, but I'm a slacker, so lots of slacking time must be figured in.) I really like doing it, but I think for the rest of college I'm just going to do photo albums, because they are sooo much easier.

The other day my dad and I were in the car, and this song comes on, and I swear it sounded like the band was saying, "mow the lawn, mow the lawn" but when I asked my dad if that was what they were saying he gave me a strange look. It's the "Move Along" song by all-american rejects (if you were wondering, they are actually saying "move along" not "mow the lawn"). If you hear it, though, say the words "mow the lawn" while it is playing, and it fits!

I would like to say I have more of a life than this, but no, not really.