Hourig sounds like a cow's name....

Does it ever bother anyone that the question "How are you?" should never be answered honestly? The expected response is "fine" or "good" and then people go on with life. They never actually want to know, and if you do give a whole explanation of why you feel like crying or jumping a plane to australia over something they feel isn't a big deal, they inwardly cringe as they tune you out, thinking, "oh crap, why did even ask?" Very few people actually want to know, and when they do ask, all they get is the customary "fine" and so they assume everything is fine. Gahhh!

I read a really interesting theory on invisible illnesses about spoons. If you actually care (and actually get it) it's on http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com Click on "spoon theory"

I decided today's favorite section is on names! My favorite boy and girl names!

Girl Names:
Emilie (spelled like that)
Julie
Adele
Katoria (pronounced KA TORE AH)
Charlotte

I realized that I really like "pretty" girl names. That was unintentional.

Boy names:
Kyle
Edward
Austin
Ryan

This is off topic, but I had an ancestor with the middle name Lincoln. I suddenly want to have a son with the middle name Lincoln.

Fear

How do you deal with fear? I'm really stubborn, so if I don't want to do something really bad, I won't do it. I generally try to control my temper around non-family members (Sarah's laughing right now) so it doesn't come off that I get really mad, but I generally throw that out the window if I don't want to do something. If people pressure me, I get really ticked.

When I'm afraid of something, I like to forget about it. I like to pretend it's not a big deal, that it doesn't matter, or it doesn't exist. I like to put things off. Even if I can go now or in ten minutes, I will wait that ten minutes because I don't want to deal with it. When I have no choice, though, I get really upset. I panic and I freak out. This is also a problem because I tend to be afraid of many things. It's kind of my cover. If I'm afraid of things, I don't have to try anything new. I can stay where I am and be completely comfortable.

Of course, no one will let me do this. I have to be brave, I have to be smart, I have to be social. I get dragged along, digging in my heels, but I do it anyway. I don't know if I should be glad or angry.

Today's favorite is my favorite poem that I have written. Or, one of them. I like different things for different reasons. I feel like throwing this out in the open because these feelings for this person have made a complete 180 turn, but I hope to have these feelings for someone else in the future.

I haven’t slept in days, thinking about you
Imagining conversations, feeling hope and despair

I want to talk to you, just know what you think
So desperate that I want the truth, even though I’m scared

You make me laugh and make me smile
I enjoy just being with you

I wish that things weren’t so complicated
That you were just a boy, and I a girl

No politics, no awkwardness, just-being
No “friends-or-not-friends”, no “what will happen next”

I just want there to be no risk, so we could discuss it
Instead of using channels, hoping and dreaming among friends

And yet, I’m scared and afraid to act

Just like him
So I’ll continue to watch him from afar

Goodnight, my lucky star


I swear, if someone steals this poem from me and claims it as their own, I will shave their head in their sleep. Repeatedly (as when it grows back).

Lavender vs. Lilac

I am free! I am free from German! No more phrases I can't remember or understand, no more awkward conversations I don't understand! I mean, German was fun, but it just wasn't worth taking up so much of my time. There's no point in passing German if I'm going to fail everything else. so....now I have a big gap in my schedule. Theoretically this means that I can get up early and use that extra time to study for my other classes, but I probably won't do so great at that.

I really like my vocal class. I had to sing in front of the class today though, and it was really scary. My hands were shaking as I held the hymnal. I think I did okay, but I think I didn't do as well as I could have were I not so nervous. My brain was kind of frozen. We are learning a song called "Guide me to thee," which is really pretty. It's also kind of hard to learn, but I think it will be fun. Practicing the same song over and over again on your own is kind of hard. It gets repetitive, and you don't feel like singing the same song over and over again. I hope that my singing will improve with this class, but I really don't know.

I really liked President Samuelson's devotional on Tuesday. I'm tired of everyone being like, "the honor code is too strict, this rule is stupid, no, this rule is more important than that rule...blah blah blah....I'm tired of it! He totally set us all straight. It doesn't matter if we think one is more important than another, we signed it, so we shouldn't be dithering. Personally, I think if you think it's too strict then you should go somewhere else...though I admit that I have cut across the grass before and jaywalked, but if I get fined, I have to understand that I broke it, so I can deal with it (or beg money off my parents when I call them crying my eyes out)...anyway, I'm going to do a favorites section in my blog, for my posterity, so they can see what a wacko I am **)

Favorite Shade of Purple:

Now, this brings into question whether purple is a shade, or a group of colors? I mean, there's orchid, and lilac, and lavender, and apparently Oprah had her own crayon color that was a purplish shade....my favorite shade is....lilac! Jen and I have determined that lilac, in comparison to lavender, is slightly lighter and perhaps bluer....I'm not sure. Though my shirt is probably lavender, and it's a really pretty shade. I think it might have some pink in it. I love purple, it's a nice color, with lots of expression in it. I don't really like dark purple as much, but it's still fun. I might have a light purple wedding. It's either going to be light purple, periwinkle, medium pink, or sea green. I know exactly what I want. Right.

Um...I'm at school. Real exciting, right?

Does it ever bother you when you feel apathetic about something? Like you should care, and you know you should care, but you still don't?

No one does? Oh, good. I was really enjoying my German class for awhile, but now the novelty has worn off and I'm just dreading the class. I feel like I am not picking up the language phrases as quickly as other people in the class, but some of them already know a lot of German, so I just look stupid in comparison.

And....I feel like I should be having more fun than I am. People are like, "let's do this! Let's do that!" and....I don't feel like doing it. I feel like relaxing in my apartment. I realize I shouldn't be a hermit, but a hermit has more fun.

I love walking around campus when it's not too hot. The flowers are so gorgeous right now.

Yay! My other roommates bathroom flooded, so when the matinence man came, he fixed our sink and our broken door too! Woohoo! Hurray!

Here's me, as a spy: