Fear

How do you deal with fear? I'm really stubborn, so if I don't want to do something really bad, I won't do it. I generally try to control my temper around non-family members (Sarah's laughing right now) so it doesn't come off that I get really mad, but I generally throw that out the window if I don't want to do something. If people pressure me, I get really ticked.

When I'm afraid of something, I like to forget about it. I like to pretend it's not a big deal, that it doesn't matter, or it doesn't exist. I like to put things off. Even if I can go now or in ten minutes, I will wait that ten minutes because I don't want to deal with it. When I have no choice, though, I get really upset. I panic and I freak out. This is also a problem because I tend to be afraid of many things. It's kind of my cover. If I'm afraid of things, I don't have to try anything new. I can stay where I am and be completely comfortable.

Of course, no one will let me do this. I have to be brave, I have to be smart, I have to be social. I get dragged along, digging in my heels, but I do it anyway. I don't know if I should be glad or angry.

Today's favorite is my favorite poem that I have written. Or, one of them. I like different things for different reasons. I feel like throwing this out in the open because these feelings for this person have made a complete 180 turn, but I hope to have these feelings for someone else in the future.

I haven’t slept in days, thinking about you
Imagining conversations, feeling hope and despair

I want to talk to you, just know what you think
So desperate that I want the truth, even though I’m scared

You make me laugh and make me smile
I enjoy just being with you

I wish that things weren’t so complicated
That you were just a boy, and I a girl

No politics, no awkwardness, just-being
No “friends-or-not-friends”, no “what will happen next”

I just want there to be no risk, so we could discuss it
Instead of using channels, hoping and dreaming among friends

And yet, I’m scared and afraid to act

Just like him
So I’ll continue to watch him from afar

Goodnight, my lucky star


I swear, if someone steals this poem from me and claims it as their own, I will shave their head in their sleep. Repeatedly (as when it grows back).