World Series, Baby!

I am feeling a whole lot of adreneline right now. The Cardinals beat the Mets!!! We are going to the World Series! We are going to the World Series! We are going to the World Series! I could dance! I am so excited!!!!!!

I just love baseball. They actually have to have endurance; with a 162 games, they have to be good all summer long, not just the handful of games you get in football. Baseball is my favorite sport to watch not necessarily because it is better than other sports, but because I have been watching this team my whole life, and I will probably never support any other athletic team as much as this one.

Plus baseball fans are so much cooler in the stands than in any other sport. And baseball fights are awesome.

...Did that sound strange? If you've ever seen one, you know what I mean. They're so rare because basball is hardly a contact sport, but usually someone gets mad and both teams crowd around home plate and it just makes me laugh. I've never seen anyone get hurt from these fights. You might think they are sissies, but personally I think it's smart that they don't ordinarily try to ruin their careers by sustaining injuries.

Anyway...yeah, that still sounds odd. Oh well.

Does anyone ever ask you what you want to do with your life? What if you don't have an answer? I mean, yes, you've got the general plan of a degree, a husband, a family, a job, retirement, blah blah blah....but what if it doesn't work? I mean, who all has a highly detailed plan for their life? and of those who do, when has life ever followed your set plan? My plan would probably be different than what's currently happening, but that's okay, because who's to say I would like how things would turn out if I followed my original plan?


Today's favorite section is on....favorite thing to do. My favorite thing to do is...........

go shopping!

I love going shopping. Whether it is in the mall at my favorite stores, dollar general, wal-mart, or twilight zone in the bookstore. I think I just like picking up things and taking them home with me. I'm such a crazy shopper though. I love clothes and shoes and books and movies, but I'm also a very hesitant buyer. I like to buy compulsively, but I also will debate for a long time over whether to buy something. If you've ever gone clothes shopping with me, you've probably seen me both hesitate over a 5 dollar shirt and also go right over and buy 80 dollars worth of jeans instantly. And you know if you've ever gone shoe shopping with me that I love shoes but will take 5 years to find a shoe I like after looking among millions of shoes. It's so odd. And yet I still love it.

I also love sale bins. I like to root through the bin to buy something, even if there's nothing I want, I'll check several times to make sure there's nothing I want. I almost feel obligated to buy something simply because there is a sale and so I should take advantage of it.

You know, I used to feel very torn between my friends who didn't care about fashion at all and thought I cared wayyy too much about clothes and shoes and matching, and my friends who always wore make-up and straightened their hair and shopped at express and limited when I dressed in jeans all the time. I used to feel like I didn't fit in anyway.

I still don't fit in. Now I just don't care.

Men are a Necessary Evil

What is it?
The feeling you get when you’re nerves are humming just being around him
A magnetic pull
A feeling of attraction
Where the future is scary
But still, still tempting
A pulse going 40 miles an hour
A heart racing
Waiting for the future
Anticipation
For without this
Where are we going?
What are we moving for?


Yes, not my greatest, I realize, but I just kind of threw it out there a few days ago and dug it out while organizing my files. Poetry is usually the way I express my emotions when I can't describe them any other way.

People think that dogs have emotions that are simple and not like humans, but I've seen quite a few humans with this expression, haven't you?

I LOVE MY DOG! I don't understand how people could prefer cats over dogs. Someone told me once that a dog is stupid and loves everyone, whereas you have to work for a cat's affection, which isn't necessarily a good thing. I think it's great that a dog can love unconditionally. Of course, it's not for nothing the water pressure people call this cute dog "The Grizzly Bear".

For reference to the title of this entry, listen to the song "Necessary Evil" by Benton Paul.

Today's favorite section:

Um...my favorite decoration!

I love picture frames! I have so many at school at the moment that I don't have room for them all! I tried putting some in front of boxes on the shelf in my closet until one fell down and bonked me on my head. I took them out after that.

My teacher said today in class, "I'm going to say a dirty word, so don't listen. MUD." I was dying laughing. The girl sitting next to me actually stopped listening to her cell phone music to look up to see what was so funny.

I love the dashing and the British

My roommate has informed me that I haven't posted in a while, so I'm going to post now. I finally got my camera cable from my sister, so I'm putting a picture of those pretty flowers that I told you about that got smashed.

Aren't they potentially so pretty??? I was so sad when they were gone. One of the things I miss most about St. Louis is driving down the back roads, looking at all the changing leaves.

I've heard that yellow roses can mean either "friendship" or "love everlasting". That's kind of a wide jump of emotions. What if you thought someone loved you, but they really only wanted friendship? You'd be heartbroken. My favorite flowers are morning glories, white roses and lilacs. I'm really sad that we left our lilac tree in Missouri behind. I think we have a small tree outside Sarah's window in Oklahoma, but I don't remember what kind it is.

Why are flowers so great? I mean, they die, so you don't get to have them very long, but that is probably why they are so precious. I honestly don't care too much about the mountains here because they're the same today, tomorrow, and five years from now. Yes in the winter they have snow on them, but that doesn't really inspire me the way a drive through a sea of orange, red, and yellow does.

Perhaps I should talk about more than flowers....Today's Favorite's section is on...hot chocolate!

I drink hot chocolate almost every day, since I love to watch the whirring of Jen's cocomotion.

My favorite is milk chocolate, but belgian dark chocolate is a close second. I also like cinnamon too. Chocolate Raspberry sounds good too, but I've never had it. I think I'll buy that next.

Happy October!

I can't believe it is already October. That means that I'm one month into school, my sister's birthday is coming up (Sarah what do you want????) the leaves are changing (for a whole three days in Provo before they fall to the ground...) and the weather is amazing! I love fall. I hate being cold, but I tend to get physically sick if I'm too hot, so fall weather is perfect for me. I love the flowers in spring, but it's still usually too cold for me to enjoy.

Do you have something you should or shouldn't be doing, and everyone knows it? So they'll say, "Did you do it? Did you do it? DID YOU DO IT?" All the time. It could be taking medication (for the last time I am not a drug addict!!!), going to class, asking a boy out, doing homework, or anything. If it's something important, and you keep saying, "no...no....no...." it's completely guilt-tripping. It's like you have failed the ENTIRE WORLD. And you want to be able to do it for yourself, because it's important to you, but now there's all this pressure, and it's completely ruined. When you finally do it, it's like you were doing it to please them instead of you.

On a positive note, I started taking my medicine again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in a state of fleeting joy. I feel like Colin in the Secret Garden when he says, "I'm going to live forever and ever!" (This may not make much sense unless you've read the book. I highly encourage it.) I say fleeting because soon the happiness will wear off and I'll just be irritated that I have to take it, but for now I'm happy.

There are these gorgeous purple flowers right outside the MOA on campus, just one bunch of them. I've been meaning to take a picture of them for awhile, but today I actually brought my camera to take a picture of them, and SOMEONE HAD FLATTENED THEM!!!! I was so sad!!! I took a picture of them to show people, and I will put in on here once my sister returns my camera cable (or, if I have it, I find it buried in my room).

I put a picture of Winry from Full Metal Alchemist on my phone, because she's blonde so she could look like me, plus she's my favorite female anime character of all time. If I would be anyone, I would be her. She is a very strong person who has gone through a lot, but she still has compassion and kindness for others. It's the kind of person I'd like to be. Plus, she's just awesome**)

What do grades in classes matter? I mean really. Yes, I realize they are important for Graduate school and getting a good job and stuff, but other than that, not really. Does it matter when you went to class? Supposedly you're supposed to learn a lot outside of the classroom, in life, which is just as important. So why isn't there are "life" class at school?

Today's Favorite Section is on....um...art...yes, art. I like art!

My favorite painters are Monet and Van Gogh (though I agree that Michelangelo is freaking amazing) and my favorite sculpters are Michelangelo and Bernini. I have no artistic talent at all, so other's work always impresses me.

Hourig sounds like a cow's name....

Does it ever bother anyone that the question "How are you?" should never be answered honestly? The expected response is "fine" or "good" and then people go on with life. They never actually want to know, and if you do give a whole explanation of why you feel like crying or jumping a plane to australia over something they feel isn't a big deal, they inwardly cringe as they tune you out, thinking, "oh crap, why did even ask?" Very few people actually want to know, and when they do ask, all they get is the customary "fine" and so they assume everything is fine. Gahhh!

I read a really interesting theory on invisible illnesses about spoons. If you actually care (and actually get it) it's on http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com Click on "spoon theory"

I decided today's favorite section is on names! My favorite boy and girl names!

Girl Names:
Emilie (spelled like that)
Julie
Adele
Katoria (pronounced KA TORE AH)
Charlotte

I realized that I really like "pretty" girl names. That was unintentional.

Boy names:
Kyle
Edward
Austin
Ryan

This is off topic, but I had an ancestor with the middle name Lincoln. I suddenly want to have a son with the middle name Lincoln.

Fear

How do you deal with fear? I'm really stubborn, so if I don't want to do something really bad, I won't do it. I generally try to control my temper around non-family members (Sarah's laughing right now) so it doesn't come off that I get really mad, but I generally throw that out the window if I don't want to do something. If people pressure me, I get really ticked.

When I'm afraid of something, I like to forget about it. I like to pretend it's not a big deal, that it doesn't matter, or it doesn't exist. I like to put things off. Even if I can go now or in ten minutes, I will wait that ten minutes because I don't want to deal with it. When I have no choice, though, I get really upset. I panic and I freak out. This is also a problem because I tend to be afraid of many things. It's kind of my cover. If I'm afraid of things, I don't have to try anything new. I can stay where I am and be completely comfortable.

Of course, no one will let me do this. I have to be brave, I have to be smart, I have to be social. I get dragged along, digging in my heels, but I do it anyway. I don't know if I should be glad or angry.

Today's favorite is my favorite poem that I have written. Or, one of them. I like different things for different reasons. I feel like throwing this out in the open because these feelings for this person have made a complete 180 turn, but I hope to have these feelings for someone else in the future.

I haven’t slept in days, thinking about you
Imagining conversations, feeling hope and despair

I want to talk to you, just know what you think
So desperate that I want the truth, even though I’m scared

You make me laugh and make me smile
I enjoy just being with you

I wish that things weren’t so complicated
That you were just a boy, and I a girl

No politics, no awkwardness, just-being
No “friends-or-not-friends”, no “what will happen next”

I just want there to be no risk, so we could discuss it
Instead of using channels, hoping and dreaming among friends

And yet, I’m scared and afraid to act

Just like him
So I’ll continue to watch him from afar

Goodnight, my lucky star


I swear, if someone steals this poem from me and claims it as their own, I will shave their head in their sleep. Repeatedly (as when it grows back).

Lavender vs. Lilac

I am free! I am free from German! No more phrases I can't remember or understand, no more awkward conversations I don't understand! I mean, German was fun, but it just wasn't worth taking up so much of my time. There's no point in passing German if I'm going to fail everything else. so....now I have a big gap in my schedule. Theoretically this means that I can get up early and use that extra time to study for my other classes, but I probably won't do so great at that.

I really like my vocal class. I had to sing in front of the class today though, and it was really scary. My hands were shaking as I held the hymnal. I think I did okay, but I think I didn't do as well as I could have were I not so nervous. My brain was kind of frozen. We are learning a song called "Guide me to thee," which is really pretty. It's also kind of hard to learn, but I think it will be fun. Practicing the same song over and over again on your own is kind of hard. It gets repetitive, and you don't feel like singing the same song over and over again. I hope that my singing will improve with this class, but I really don't know.

I really liked President Samuelson's devotional on Tuesday. I'm tired of everyone being like, "the honor code is too strict, this rule is stupid, no, this rule is more important than that rule...blah blah blah....I'm tired of it! He totally set us all straight. It doesn't matter if we think one is more important than another, we signed it, so we shouldn't be dithering. Personally, I think if you think it's too strict then you should go somewhere else...though I admit that I have cut across the grass before and jaywalked, but if I get fined, I have to understand that I broke it, so I can deal with it (or beg money off my parents when I call them crying my eyes out)...anyway, I'm going to do a favorites section in my blog, for my posterity, so they can see what a wacko I am **)

Favorite Shade of Purple:

Now, this brings into question whether purple is a shade, or a group of colors? I mean, there's orchid, and lilac, and lavender, and apparently Oprah had her own crayon color that was a purplish shade....my favorite shade is....lilac! Jen and I have determined that lilac, in comparison to lavender, is slightly lighter and perhaps bluer....I'm not sure. Though my shirt is probably lavender, and it's a really pretty shade. I think it might have some pink in it. I love purple, it's a nice color, with lots of expression in it. I don't really like dark purple as much, but it's still fun. I might have a light purple wedding. It's either going to be light purple, periwinkle, medium pink, or sea green. I know exactly what I want. Right.

Um...I'm at school. Real exciting, right?

Does it ever bother you when you feel apathetic about something? Like you should care, and you know you should care, but you still don't?

No one does? Oh, good. I was really enjoying my German class for awhile, but now the novelty has worn off and I'm just dreading the class. I feel like I am not picking up the language phrases as quickly as other people in the class, but some of them already know a lot of German, so I just look stupid in comparison.

And....I feel like I should be having more fun than I am. People are like, "let's do this! Let's do that!" and....I don't feel like doing it. I feel like relaxing in my apartment. I realize I shouldn't be a hermit, but a hermit has more fun.

I love walking around campus when it's not too hot. The flowers are so gorgeous right now.

Yay! My other roommates bathroom flooded, so when the matinence man came, he fixed our sink and our broken door too! Woohoo! Hurray!

Here's me, as a spy:

Professor R. J. Lupin

Have you ever heard someone say, "With practice, it will get easier." Well, I'm here to tell you that this, on occasion, is a flagrant LIE. Not everything gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder.

I was talking with my dad about this, and he agrees. He passes out every time he gets a shot or too freaked out about a hospital. I had a doctor's appointment on monday, which was just a talk-to (though it was still in a hospital) and we were both panicking. It was really funny.

But anyway, he says he passes out still, after years of this happening. He says it is NOT easier, because instead he knows what is coming and so he still panics. I think, for me at least, it is the fear of what you know is coming, and what usually happens, than what is actually going to happen at the moment. The fear gets out of control, and so it becomes harder. The only solution I have is to either avoid it as much as you can (my usual solution) or, keep trying. Even if I fail several times, as long as I never completely give up, it's okay. Even if I can't do it today, I'll do it tomorrow. I know that, which helps with the fear. I take one day at a time, and I keep working at it. Some days are better than others, but the good thing about bad days is that you start over tomorrow, and it will be okay (This unfortunately means that if you have a good day, it means nothing for the next day and you have to start over again, but that's okay too.)

I heard a really cool quote from one of my anime shows, and it said, "Don't look down. If you have something you must do, just look ahead." I really liked it. It was direct and to the point.

So anyway, I met with my doctor earlier this week, and it turns out I lost four pounds. This was in a month. And no, I was not dieting, nor am I anorexic or bulemic, so I was kind of surprised. My doctor was like, "So, you lost some weight. How did that happen?" I wanted to be like, I don't know, you're the doctor, but I figure I should be nice to him since he does treat me. He also informed me that I should be on iron stuff, since my red blood cells are small, which a sign preceeding anemia. I wish, you know, the hospital could have told me this when I got my blood test results back, but no, it's not like they could figure it out. So helpful going to these people when they don't know what they're doing.

Apparently Julie Andrews is coming to do a women's health forum at my hospital in september. This is depressing, as tickets are free and I would have loved to go see her, but I'll be at school then. I'm trying to convince my mom to go instead, as that would be the coolest thing ever.

Only like 8 days until we go to STL, and then it's out to school!!!! It's all exciting.

P.S.-Ali, I'll write you in my subject when we've continued our story. **)

Vanilla Milk

I feel like this summer has been in a dream-like state. The first part of summer passed by painfully slow, but the past two months have just flown by. At first I was kind of anxious about school, but now I'm really excited to get out to Provo and start my classes and meeting new people and stuff.

Do you ever come to the end of summer and say, "what the heck did I do this summer? No job, no classes.." Well, even though I know no one in the entire state, here is a list of my accomplishments:

*I went from having taken no pills, ever, to taking...well, at least a couple a day, if not as much as I'm supposed to (for those reading, no I am not a drug addict!!!)
*I learned how to make beaded bracelets, which are actually pretty fun if kind of nerdy to do
*I survived my first colonoscopy and my first blood test (which, by the way, my dad can't do-he passes out every time he gets a shot)
*I'm not very artsy, but I finished a large portion of my scrapbook
*-this isn't really an accomplishment, but I bought a whole bunch of stuff for myself, plus a few things for my apartment, which was a lot of fun
*I started a brand new story I'm writing, which is a stand-alone story, not connected to someone else's book at all, a first for me


And...well, that's not a great list, but it's something. I'm planning to accomplish a lot more at school-I say plan, b/c most likely I'm not going to want to study all the time at school, I'm going to want to drink hot chocolate with Jen and listen to music on itunes and watch movies. At least school gives you something to balance against wasting a lot of time.

And my main goal for this semester is to figure out what my major is going to be-or at least figure out what it is not going to be. I may have a minor, but the majors I'm looking at require statistics, and I really would like to avoid math at the moment, as I hated everything past Algebra II, including statistics.

Is a hammock really that comfortable?

By the way, my mom said, "Why do people scrapbook? The glue and tape are just going to separate from the paper anyway in the long run, and it will fall apart." Is this going to happen soon? I mean, I don't really care if it's like decades from now when I'm dead and stuff, but I'd prefer it to not happen soon. That would be depressing.

Pirate M&M's

My sister said something today that echoes my thoughts recently: "I really have to get more sleep at night. It's just hard when you have so much on your mind."

I realized lately that I am hardly ever not thinking. I don't mean that in a snobby, I'm better and smarter way, because I'm usually thinking about stupid stuff, but I rarely am not thinking about something. When I lay down at night, my mind is always racing with things that happened that day, or things I'm thinking about, or even flashbacks of upsetting moments in my life pop up occasionally. Is there a way to put your brain on autopilot? I think that's why I have trouble relaxing. I started getting chest pains last week, and I think it's because I've been really stressed. I need to just calm down and take one day at a time, but I'm very melodramatic, so I tend to make a bigger deal out of everything than it really is. Sometimes it helps if I breathe deeply and drink water, though. Sometimes music helps, too.

Has anyone ever tried counting sheep? Does that really help? I don't think it would, because then you would be counting sheep instead of trying to fall asleep.

You know, I really should be attempting to sleep right now instead of typing this, but my sleep schedule's all off, so I'm not even tired yet. That's going to be a problem at school. Or maybe not. I went to bed late at school too, though not quite as late, if I wanted to attend at least some of my classes that day.

I'm so excited about school starting again! It starts in a month. I'm actually looking forward to my classes, and they are actually classes I want to take-though that could be because it's my first semester with no science classes. I'm taking a vocal class too-this makes me nervous because I'm kind of shy, but I'm going to have to sing in front of the class and stuff, so I'll have to get over it. My voice isn't horrid, but people at college are usually really good, so that's a lot of pressure. I imagine I'll enjoy it once I get used to it.

My mom bought a package of Pirate M&M's, since I like Pirates of the Caribbean so much. They were very exciting to eat. There was a picture of Jack on the wrapper.

Bitter is still a flavor

My parents and I were talking about my latest appointment for the doctor, and I thought it was the 14th, my mom thought it was today, and my dad didn't have a clue, so both parents called the office, which was pretty funny. It turns out I was right, so I was happy for a little while, but then my symptoms started getting worse. My "condition" is kind of scary, since it is still kind of new to me, so I started to panic. I called the doctor, but he just said to keep an eye on it, and to call again if it got worse. I'm feeling better now, but I don't like my body doing things without telling me, so I panicked.

Not much is new in my life, other than that. I haven't done much this whole summer-I've been "concentrating on my health". So I didn't take any classes, didn't get a job-all I do is tour my extended family around the city, make jewelry, and scrapbook. And take pills. Every waking moment of my life is consumed by my medicine. I hate it. I hate things being out of my control, too.

I had a dream last night that I became a country/christian singer person and I did pretty well, but I had a stage name and people weren't too familiar with my real identity. I told one of my best friends, Ali, but I didn't tell my other high school friends because I didn't know how they'd react. For Christmas, though, my friend Julie (name has been changed) gave me my own CD as a present, because she thought I would like it. I struggled not to laugh (in the dream, of course) and my friend Ali did too, because she had got me my own merchandise as a joke.

It was quite an amusing dream, but I wonder if it has underlying meaning. My mom likes to analyze my dreams, but we don't really have an answer for this one. Another time I had a dream where I wrote a novel about this crazy love-triangle thing that happened with a group of friends, and my friend was like, "did you read this book? It sounds like what happened to us! (It was julie) and I was like, "really? what a coincidence!

It's not like I keep a ton of secrets from my friends or something, but I think that some things that happen in my life people simply wouldn't care about, so I don't tell them. Fortunately, most things I tell a lot of people, so it's not a big deal. Anyone who doesn't know me very well thinks I'm kind of quiet and shy-anyone else thinks I can't stop talking.

For family night, my dad is buying these 99 cent caramel banana splits from Sonic. They have them on the commercials all the time and I've been wanting to try one for forever. My sister is coming home from a summer at college in two weeks, and I'm kind of excited because I'll at least have someone to hang out with for a week.

I hope everyone has a good week!

I recently heard the song "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and I love it. The music is so pretty. I was reading through the lyrics, though, and they don't make sense.

He says that he sees a beautiful girl on the subway, but she's with another guy. He says that's okay, because he has a plan.

Unfortunately, the rest of the song just says "you're beautiful-I'll never be with you"....blah blah blah....where did his plan go? Was his plan to just give up????? I don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If someone has the answer, that would be great! *Warning-there is a clean and an unclean version of this song. The unclean version lyris have a very bad word in them. You are officially warned.

Onto a lighter note, After two months of letting my scrapbooking stuff sit around in my room, I've started working on it with a feverish energy, desperate to get it finished before I go out to school, so I don't have to lug all my stuff with me. I think it looks pretty good so far. Unfortunately, I'm only a bit past halloween, so I don't know if I'll be done in a month (it sounds easy to do, but I'm a slacker, so lots of slacking time must be figured in.) I really like doing it, but I think for the rest of college I'm just going to do photo albums, because they are sooo much easier.

The other day my dad and I were in the car, and this song comes on, and I swear it sounded like the band was saying, "mow the lawn, mow the lawn" but when I asked my dad if that was what they were saying he gave me a strange look. It's the "Move Along" song by all-american rejects (if you were wondering, they are actually saying "move along" not "mow the lawn"). If you hear it, though, say the words "mow the lawn" while it is playing, and it fits!

I would like to say I have more of a life than this, but no, not really.